Blended Families Part 7: Provoking Children to Anger

 

We’ve been talking about the challenges blended families face and some of the ways their struggles are common to us all.

In previous posts we’ve talked about favoritism, the goal of the blended family, how to love biblically, and the importance of right priorities, among other subjects.

Last week we talked about angry children. But we can’t talk about angry children without asking ourselves if there are things we might be doing, intentionally or unintentionally, that provoke our children to anger.

Ephesians 6.4 says, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”

And Colossians 3.21 says, “Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart.”

While each of us, including our children, is responsible for his or her behavior, we can’t read those two verses without admitting we can make it easier for our children to become angry or exasperated.

Last week, we talked about the seed of hurt that can grow into anger, bitterness and, even, full-blown rebellion in our children. While the hurt can come as a result of wrong perceptions, assumptions or misunderstandings, it can also come as a result of sin on the part of one or more parents or step-parents.

Lou Priolo in his book, The Heart of Anger, lists 25 ways parents provoke their children to anger. Most of these apply to blended families, biological families, single parent families, even grandparents or others who are raising children. Here’s Lou’s list:

1. By a lack of marital harmony
2. Establishing and maintaining a child-centered home
3. Modeling sinful anger
4. Habitually disciplining while angry
5. Scolding
6. Being inconsistent with discipline
7. Having double standards
8. Being legalistic
9. Not admitting you’re wrong and not asking for forgiveness
10. Constantly finding fault
11. Parents reversing God-given roles
12. Not listening to your child’s opinion or taking his or her “side of the story” seriously
13. Comparing them to others
14. Not making time just to talk
15. Not praising or encouraging your child
16. Failing to keep your promises
17. Chastening in front of others
18. Not allowing enough freedom
19. Allowing too much freedom
20. Mocking your child
21. Abusing them physically
22. Ridiculing or name-calling
23. Unrealistic expectations
24. Practicing favoritism
25. Child training with worldly methodologies inconsistent with God’s Word

While these can and do apply to children and parents in all kinds of families, what might they look like in a blended family? Let’s expand on a few:

• Lack of marital harmony

The normal struggles with personalities, culture, selfishness and other sins, can be exasperated by differing parenting styles, favoritism towards each one’s biological children, family traditions and/or relationships with ex-spouses.

• Establishing and maintaining a child-centered home

A child-centered home is one in which the desires of the child are at the center of family life. It’s often characterized by children who take precedence over other biblical responsibilities and priorities (especially the husband/wife relationship), talk to their parents like peers, demand excessive time and attention, use manipulation and rebellion to get their way, are frequently entertained and coddled out of a bad mood and must be bribed into obedience.

Spouses who have been single parents for an extended period of time or parents who are trying to make up for mistreatment or abandonment by the other parent may create a child-centered home. But any of us can fall into this trap if we aren’t focused on God’s instructions for parenting, as opposed to secular theories or what seems right to us.

• Modeling sinful anger, habitually disciplining while angry, & scolding

Again this can be a problem in any situation, but disagreements over discipline and/or parenting styles, disrespect by step-children, and dealing with joint custody issues can lead to increased anger and frustration.

• Being inconsistent with discipline, having double standards, being legalistic, comparing them to others

Parents who are battling other blended family issues can be tempted to get weary and become inconsistent with discipline. Step-parents sometimes give their own children favorable treatment, become legalistic with step-children or compare them to their own children.

• Not admitting you’re wrong and not asking for forgiveness or constantly finding fault

These are largely pride issues. Children are hypocrite-meters and can easily be provoked to anger by this kind of treatment.

• Parents reversing God-given roles

This is a huge issue in our culture today, but it can be extra challenging to break habits necessitated during single parenting.

 

Responding God’s Way

 

So what is the answer? Is there hope for blended families? Yes, God’s grace is sufficient for all the circumstances in our lives (2 Cor. 12.9).

But spouses must give up trying to do things their own way and seek to learn and apply God’s principles for the family.

The marriage relationship is second only to our relationships with God. Spouses should learn and practice biblical principles for building strong marriages and making God’s priorities theirs. I discussed this in greater depth in Blended Families Part 4.

We must pray and ask for God’s grace and help. That begins with some self-examination. We can pray like the Psalmist did in Psalm 139:

²³ Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me and know my anxious thoughts;
²⁴ And see if there be any hurtful way in me,
And lead me in the everlasting way.

Then humbly admit to any sin and seek forgiveness from God and other family members, as appropriate. Read good books on marriage and parenting. If your church offers marriage or parenting classes take advantage of those resources.

Most important seek to show God’s love for one another (Matt. 22.37-40; 1 Cor. 13.4-7), put the interests of others ahead of your own selfish desires (Lk. 9.23-24; Phil. 2.3-4), and focus on pleasing God in every situation (2 Cor. 5.9).

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Blessings,
Donna

 

Other Posts in This Series:

Blended Families Part 1: “The Losses and the Gains”

Blended Families Part 2: The Same Only Different

Blended Families Part 3: Loving Not Liking Each Other

Blended Families Part 4: The Goal of Life

Blended Families Part 5: Favoritism and Other Four-Letter Words

Blended Families Part 6: Angry Children

Blended Families Part 7: Provoking Children to Anger

Blended Families Part 8: “You’re not my dad!”

Blended Families Part 9: A Plan for Successful Step-Parenting

Blended Families Part 10: Behavior Contracts

Blended Families Part 11: How to Start Dealing with Ex’s

Blended Families Part 12: Seven A’s of Confession

Blended Families Part 13: Differences Between Households

Blended Families Part 14: Overcoming Evil

Blended Families Part 15: Helping Children Adjust

Blended Families Part 16: 4 Rules of Communication

Blended Families Part 17: Loyalty Conflicts & Blended Families in the Bible

 

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