We call it by a lot of different names: peer pressure, people-pleasing, co-dependency. Proverbs tells us it is a trap into which we can easily fall. What is it and how can we be free from its grip?
Just as our sin nature blinds us to the danger of people-pleasing and co-dependency, we can be blinded about the nature of true freedom. Could something that looks like freedom actually bring you into bondage?
Today’s Readings:
Isaiah 51 & 52
Psalm 112.5-10
Proverbs 26.16
Ephesians 2.1-22
Could You Be Suffering from People-Pleasing, Co-Dependency or the Fear of Man?
Isaiah 51 & 52:
Hope in Him
Verse 51.4 starts out:
Listen to Me, My people;
And give ear to Me, O My nation.
We should be listening to everything God says in His Word, so I had to wonder why God would make it a point at the beginning of this passage to say, “Listen to me …” Perhaps, it’s a little like us when we say to our children, “Look at me when I’m talking to you.” In other words, what I’m about to say is important. Give me your undivided attention.
Then He began to talk to His people about the hope they were to have in their coming Messiah. But their hope wasn’t just for the future. They were to put their hope in God in the present. Verse 6:
Lift up your eyes to the heavens,
And look on the earth beneath.
For the heavens will vanish away like smoke,
The earth will grow old like a garment,
And those who dwell in it will die in like manner;
But My salvation will be forever,
And My righteousness will not be abolished.
It’s Always about Faith in Him
Just as we are saved by looking back in faith on what Christ did for us on the cross, their redemption was based on faith in the One True God and the coming of their Messiah.
Instead of focusing on the strength of other nations, they were to focus on Him.
Chapter 51.12-13:
12 “I, even I, am He who comforts you.
Who are you that you should be afraid
Of a man who will die,
And of the son of a man who will be made like grass?
13 And you forget the LORD your Maker,
Who stretched out the heavens
And laid the foundations of the earth.”
Matthew 10 says it this way:
28 And do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. But rather fear Him who is able to destroy both soul and body in hell. 29 Are not two sparrows sold for a copper coin? And not one of them falls to the ground apart from your Father’s will. 30 But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. 31 Do not fear therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows.
Understanding these truths should affect the way we live our lives and respond to other people. It should help us avoid an over-dependence on what other people think and what they do or don’t do for us.
Co-Dependency & People Pleasing, Etc.
When we fail to understand we can easily fall into the trap of people-pleasing, also referred to as peer pressure, low self-esteem, keeping up with the Jones, being an approval junkie, or co-dependency. The Bible calls it the fear of man.
When we struggle with this tendency, relationships are often based on fear. Not necessarily fear of what people might do to us physically. But we may fear what they will think of us, what they might say about us, or how they might sin against us. We fear what will happen if we don’t do what they want or expect us to do.
“If they find out I’m a Christian, they’ll think I’m a ‘goody-two-shoes’.”
“What would they think if they knew about my past?”
“If I don’t have sex with my boyfriend, he might leave me.”
“What will I tell the guys if I give in to my wife?”
“I have to lie for my husband or he might lose his job.”
Proverbs 29.25 says:
The fear of man brings a snare, but whoever trusts in the LORD shall be safe.
The Outworking of the Fear of Man
The fear of man will cause us to do things we know are wrong. We may get caught up in pre-marital sex, buy things we don’t need, go places we shouldn’t go, or do things we shouldn’t do. We spend sleepless nights worrying, countless hours second-guessing things we did, or wondering what someone else thinks of us. It brings guilt and anxiety as we cover for people who should, actually, suffer the consequences of their own actions. That’s one of the characteristics often labeled co-dependency.
Instead, we need to cultivate the fear of God by asking ourselves:
What does God have to say about this?
Will He be pleased?
Will this bring Him glory?
The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom;
A good understanding have all those who do His commandments (Ps. 111.10).The fear of the Lord prolongs days, But the years of the wicked will be shortened (Prov. 10.27).
The fear of the Lord leads to life, And he who has it will abide in satisfaction; He will not be visited with evil (Prov. 19.23).
Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good;
Blessed is the man who trusts in Him!
Oh, fear the Lord, you His saints!
There is no want to those who fear Him (Ps. 34.8-9).
There are many more passages that talk about the “fear of the Lord” or the “fear of God.” It’s not a cowering fear, but awe and respect that leads us to loving obedience.
So, the question is, “Will we fear God or man?” Will we give in to people-pleasing, peer pressure, and co-dependency? Will we enjoy the blessings of the first or suffer the anxiety, worry, and consequences of the latter?
Today’s Other Readings:
Ephesians 2.1-22:
Freedom or Bondage
Just as our sin nature blinds us to the danger of fearing man, we can be just as blinded about true freedom. Like the fool who thinks he’s wise in today’s Proverbs reading, Paul tells us we can be spiritually dead and think we’re alive. When that’s true, what we call freedom leads only to bondage. But sadly, believers can fall into some of the same traps.
Paul opens chapter 2 of his letter to the Ephesians with this:
1 And you He made alive, who were dead in trespasses and sins, 2 in which you once walked according to the course of this world, according to the prince of the power of the air, the spirit who now works in the sons of disobedience, 3 among whom also we all once conducted ourselves in the lusts of our flesh, fulfilling the desires of the flesh and of the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, just as the others (2.1-3).
It’s easy to look around and see people caught in the bondage of homosexuality, transgenderism, and other kinds of sexual immorality … or to look at others who are addicted to drugs or alcohol or some other life-dominating sin and feel pretty smug. We can see that all those so-called freedoms lead only to slavery and spiritual blindness that often takes them deeper and deeper into bondage.
Believers & Bondage
But even as believers we can get caught up in things that lead us into bondage. One of those things could be the people-pleasing and co-dependency that we just discussed. But there are other things, too.
As a society, we have decided that women should be “free” to work just like men. And while it’s not wrong for a woman to work outside her home (although there are wisdom issues involved), we sometimes start to think, “I don’t need my husband. I can do it on my own.”
Thousands of women feel they’re free to leave their marriages every year only to find themselves exhausted, stressed out, and bitter. Others stay married but have very little time for the things that matter most to God.
I know many of you gave up jobs and careers because you wanted to be home with your children. And others, while you’ve made the decision to work try very hard to keep things in balance. Still, others work out of necessity. But many of us still have a tendency to take on more than we should.
And when it comes to divorce, almost as many Christians divorce, as unbelievers. I’ve sat across the counseling desk with far too many women who have made up their minds to leave their marriages without biblical grounds. The consequences have taken an untold toll on the church, society, and women themselves.
Of course, it’s not just women who are in bondage.
Men & Bondage
Many men have bought into the lie that they’re “free” to look at whatever they want on the internet, that they don’t need to be involved in spiritual things, that they can leave that to their wives, that a new toy or a new woman will make them happy, and that divorce is fine and the kids will get used it.
But true freedom can only be found “in Christ” as we discover that we can be free from the guilt and penalty of our sins (Jn. 8.36).
And, even for believers who have been set free from the penalty and power of sin, we must choose to walk in that truth. We haven’t been freed to sin. True freedom is the freedom to do what’s right.
15 What then? Shall we sin because we are not under law but under grace? Certainly not! 16 Do you not know that to whom you present yourselves slaves to obey, you are that one’s slaves whom you obey, whether of sin leading to death, or of obedience leading to righteousness (Rom. 6).
The self-proclaimed freedom to do whatever we want only leads to bondage but choosing to do what’s right leads to true freedom, joy, and blessedness.
Psalm 112.5-10:
God Empowered Givers
Verse 5 begins, “A good man …” and goes on to talk about being generous.
Jesus said, “… No one is good except God alone” (Mk. 10.18). We cannot be “good” in and of ourselves. It is only because we are “in Him” that there is any goodness in us. But when we are “in Him” that will produce the fruit of a changed life. One example of a changed life is that we go from being takers to becoming givers. We become generous like our generous God.
Proverbs 26.16:
Foolishness Looks Like Wisdom to a Fool
The lazy man is wiser in his own eyes than seven men who can answer sensibly.
If laziness isn’t foolish enough, the more one indulges in it, the more deceived he or she becomes. So much so that his foolishness looks like wisdom to him!
What About You?
Have you ever found yourself in bondage to something you thought you were “free to do”? And what about the “fear of man” or co-dependency, how has it been a struggle for you? It seems to be something we all struggle with in one way or another. Even when we think we have conquered it, it often crops up somewhere we didn’t expect.
Coming Up:
In the next few days, we’ll talk about what a mature Christian looks like, what’s going on when we think we can sin now and ask forgiveness later, angry children, hypocrisy, the armor of God, and more.
I hope you’ll sign up so you don’t miss any of them. You might also like to check out our YouTube channel.
If this post spoke to you, I would love it if you would share it on your favorite social media platform.
And if you don’t already have a copy, you might want to purchase a copy of my eBook, 10 Benefits of Keeping a Spiritual Journal. It’s available on Kindle or in paperback (the paperback has 31 days of blank journaling pages with prompts to help you get started).
Blessings as you grow in Christ,
Donna ♥
Note about this post:
I began blogging through the Bible in 2012 and have done so every year since then. These posts are the product of many edits and additions throughout those years. Some days I make major changes, other days fewer.
A while ago, I read Jen Wilkin’s book None Like Him about the attributes of God. One is His incomprehensibility. In it, she says, “God is incomprehensible. This does not mean that he is unknowable, but that he is unable to be fully known.”
I have found that to be true each year as I’ve gone back through the Bible. Sometimes I find myself feeling as if a passage just appeared there for the first time. I’m reminded that no matter how many times we read through the Bible, we have only scratched the surface. I hope you feel the same.
Indeed these are the mere edges of His ways,
And how small a whisper we hear of Him!
But the thunder of His power who can understand?” (Job 26.14)
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