One of the most concise Biblical instructions for parents appears in the book of Ephesians where it says, “… do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.” Some of the ways we provoke our children to anger are obvious, but others may be less so. Could you be provoking your children to anger in ways you haven’t realized?

Could You Be Provoking Your Children to Anger?

Parenting … it’s both one of the greatest privileges and one of the greatest responsibilities we have. And our example is a hard one to live up to … it’s God Himself, the One Perfect Parent.

Thankfully, God knows we won’t do this perfectly and He gives us His grace every day. He also gives us the wisdom and help we need when we ask (Heb. 4.15-16; Jas. 1.2-5) and His forgiveness when we fail (1 Jn. 1.9).

Often that grace is extended to us through our own children. When we humbly go to them and seek their forgiveness, most children extend it readily and quickly.

But God does expect us to be faithful to study His Word, to pray for ourselves and our children, to be humble when we fail, and to grow in any area where we may lack understanding (2 Tim. 2.15, 3.16-17).

The book of Proverbs is jam-packed with principles for parenting. And all the biblical principles for other relationships apply to the parent-child relationship, as well.

God’s Instructions to Parents

But, as I said in the introduction, one of the most concise instructions for parents appears in Ephesians 6.4:

… do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.

We’ll talk more about training and admonition in a future post. But let me just say that fathers and mothers are responsible for educating their children morally, spiritually, socially, and in every way. It’s not the church or the school that is primarily responsible. It’s us, as parents.

But we’re to help our children understand that we are not the ultimate authority. We are under God’s authority and, as His agents, are responsible to raise them in ways that are pleasing to Him.

Training and admonition include both reproof and encouragement. Our goal, as parents, should be to raise children who have a reverence for God, a love for His Word, respect for parents and others in authority, an understanding of Christian principles, the ability to exercise self-control, and a desire to please God.

Do Not Provoke Your Children to Anger

But in today’s post, I want to focus on the first part of the verse, “do not provoke your children to wrath.” The NIV says, “do not exasperate your children.”

We must be careful not to provoke or exasperate our children by being harsh, unreasonable, unfair, angry, cruel, selfish, or by showing partiality. Even godly discipline and instruction should be gentle, fair, and done in love.

Lou Priolo in his book The Heart of Anger: Practical Help for the Prevention and Cure of Anger in Children gives us one of the most thorough lists of ways parents provoke their children to anger. I’ve shared them before, but they are worth reviewing.

Lou’s book is one of my favorite parenting resources. He’s been a biblical counselor for over 35 years. He’s a Fellow with the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors and an instructor at the Birmingham Theological Seminary. But more important, he’s a parent and his books are practical, readable, and applicable to the daily realities of parenting. 

I often recommend it in counseling as a tool to help parents take the principles home and work with their own children. But it’s easily usable by any parent who wants to help prevent or deal with anger in their own children. It will not only help you get to the heart issues your children may face but will deal with your own heart, as well. 

Here is Lou’s list of ways parents provoke their children to anger.

25 Ways That Parents Provoke Their Children to Anger:

1. Lack of Marital Harmony
2. Establishing and Maintaining a Child-Centered Home
3. Modeling Sinful Anger
4. Habitually Disciplining While Angry
5. Scolding
6. Being Inconsistent with Discipline
7. Having Double Standards
8. Being Legalistic
9. Not Admitting You’re Wrong and Not Asking for Forgiveness
10. Constantly Finding Fault
11. Parents Reversing God-Given Roles
12. Not Listening to Your Child’s Opinion or Taking His “Side of the Story” Seriously
13. Comparing them to Others
14. Not Making Time Just to Talk
15. Not Praising or Encouraging Your Child
16. Failing to Keep Your Promises
17. Chastening in Front of Others
18. Not Allowing Enough Freedom
19. Allowing Too Much Freedom
20. Mocking Your Child
21. Abusing Them Physically
22. Ridiculing or Name Calling
23. Unrealistic Expectations
24. Practicing Favoritism
25. Child Training with Worldly Methodologies Inconsistent with God’s Word

Lou devotes a whole chapter to the items on this list, adding plenty of explanations and Scriptural backing. I hope you find his list helpful and if you need more help and understanding, you’ll get a copy of the book.

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Blessings as you grow in Christ,

Donna ♥

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