Communication or the lack thereof is a problem in many relationships. How about yours? Do you ever feel like you talk to friends and family, even your spouse, but just aren’t sure you’re being heard? Do you feel you’re frequently misunderstood and when you keep trying it only leads to an argument? You’re not alone. But the answer isn’t getting angry, talking louder, or clamming up. What can we do instead?
Hearing & Being Heard
Listening & Really Hearing
My husband is a little hard of hearing. So, for a while, we kept having those moments when I was sure I had told him about something, yet when it would come up later, he didn’t remember me even mentioning it. I have to admit it tempted me to get annoyed at times. It felt like I wasn’t important enough for him to pay attention to what I was saying. But we need to be careful about making those kinds of assumptions or judging what is going on in someone else’s heart (Jer. 17.9; 1 Cor. 13.5-7).
I know there were times when he was simply preoccupied and wasn’t tuned in. And let’s be honest that can happen to all of us. There are so many things vying for our attention in this social media-influenced, 24-hour news, hectic world we live in.
Over time I’ve learned to ask questions, especially if I’m not getting a response. I try to do so respectfully knowing that he may be processing something I said or I may have interrupted his thinking about something else.
But lest I make it sound like any miscommunication we might have is always because of my husband’s hearing or attention, communication is a two-way street. Most of us can learn to communicate better and to listen more attentively, starting with me. And for believers, that means learning to communicate God’s way.
Communicating Biblically
In counseling, we frequently share what we call the “4 Rules of Communication.” Calling them the “4 Rules of Communication” is just a way to organize and remember some important Bible principles that come straight from Ephesians 4.
I’ll talk more about those principles in a minute. But first I’d like to talk about a verse that you have probably heard since childhood, even if you didn’t grow up in a Christian home. And then look at another verse that you might not have thought of quite this way.
The Golden Rule & the Golden Result
Most of us have heard of the Golden Rule: “Do to others whatever you would like them to do to you” (Matt. 7.12, NLT).
This applies to communication just as it does to other areas of life. Instead of focusing on how we believe we’re not being heard, we should seek to be good listeners ourselves.
But did you know the Golden Rule usually leads to the Golden Result: “For you will be treated as you treat others” (Matt. 7.2, NLT)? While not an ironclad guarantee, people will generally treat us the way we treat them.
Of course, our primary motivation for treating others well, including listening well, should be out of our desire to please God (2 Cor. 5.9). But if we develop the habit of showing an interest in what matters to others, laying down our devices when someone wants to talk and giving them our undivided attention, that’s usually what we’ll get in return.
Now let’s look at those 4 rules.
4 Rules of Communication
Ephesians 4:22-24 tell us that we are to put off the “old self” and its way of doing things and put on the “new self,” which is God’s way of thinking, listening, speaking, and handling problems. The remainder of that chapter gives us some great principles for communicating and acting more Christlike.
Briefly, the 4 rules are:
1. Be Honest.
25 Therefore, putting away lying, “Let each one of you speak truth with his neighbor,” for we are members of one another (Eph. 4.25, NKJV).
That means we must speak, not clam up or fail to make time for communicating. And we’re to speak the truth, but not to use the truth like a club. Paul said we should always “speak the truth in love” (Eph. 4.15).
And in Colossians 4.6, he said:
Let your speech always be with grace, seasoned with salt, that you may know how you ought to answer each one (NKJV).
The next rule is …
2. Keep Current.
26 “Be angry, and do not sin”: do not let the sun go down on your wrath, 27 nor give place to the devil (Eph. 4.26-27, NKJV).
Failure to deal with today’s problems today opens the door to the enemy. Problems left unresolved fester and lead to resentment.
Rule #3 is …
3. Attack the problem, not the person.
Let no unwholesome word come out of your mouth, but if there is any good word for edification according to the need of the moment, say that, so that it will give grace to those who hear (Eph. 4.29, NASB).
Unwholesome words tear others down and often turn a problem into an issue of character.
Good communication is solution-oriented and builds the other person up (edifies). It’s also timely (according to the need of the moment) and full of God’s grace.
Rule #4 …
4. Act! Don’t React!
31 Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. 32 And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you (Eph. 4.31-32, NKJV).
Anger and selfishness cause us to react. You push me; I push you back. You say something I don’t like; I’ll give you a piece of my mind.
Instead, we’re to put on kindness, tenderheartedness (compassion), and maintain an attitude of forgiveness with the very person who is tempting us to do otherwise.
If you would like to learn more, I’ve written in more detail about the 4 Rules of Communication here.
Changing the way we communicate is not always easy, but it can be done (1 Cor. 10:13; Phil. 4:13).
Remember the golden rule and the golden result and that our ultimate motivation should be to please and honor God.
No matter how others speak or act, with God’s help we can learn to communicate well. And once we’ve done our part, we can trust God with the results (1 Cor. 4.2)
Now here are some posts you might have missed …
The Most Read Posts
Here are three of the most-read posts from the last month:
“Uncommon Friends” August 3
“How to Strengthen Ourselves for Our Spiritual Battles” August 5
“10 Secrets to Finishing Well” July 18
Other Recent Posts:
“Can We Really Have Eternal Security?”
“How Can You Run to God When You Want to Run Away?”
“Do I Have to Forget When Someone Hurts Me?”
“What if God Gave You a Dangerous Assignment?”
“Does God Guarantee Us Godly Children?”
“Man’s Wisdom, Rejection of God & Its Downward Spiral”
“How Brokenness Over Sin Leads to Joy”
“What Distractions Could Draw You Away from Devotion to God?”
“Are You Tempted to Envy Someone?”
And from our sister site, Joyful Marriage Ministries …
Marriage Made in Heaven Part 6 – “More on Weaving”
I hope you’ll check out a couple.
Upcoming on the daily blog … as we go through the books of Job and Romans and continue our yearlong journey through Psalms and Proverbs, we’ll talk about the connection between suffering and sin, look at sins that are contagious, and talk about how to respond when life is hard and confusing, among other things. I hope you’ll sign up so you don’t miss any of them.
If this post spoke to you, I would so appreciate it if you would share it on your favorite social media platform.
And if you don’t already have a copy, you might want to purchase a copy of my eBook, 10 Benefits of Keeping a Spiritual Journal. It’s available on Kindle or in paperback with 31 days of blank journaling pages and prompts to help you get started.
Blessings as you grow in Christ,
Donna ♥
I sometimes LINKUP with these blogs.
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