Most of us will have opportunities in life to offer comfort to those suffering and grieving. Perhaps, you know someone right now who has lost a loved one or suffered some other setback.

When we do, we don’t want to be “miserable comforters” like Job’s friends. But the truth is most of us feel inadequate and unsure about what to say. We fear saying the wrong thing and, all too often, fail to say anything out of fear or awkwardness. See today’s post for a helpful list of things to say and do and, just as important, things to avoid.

Today’s Readings:

Job 15 & 16
Psalm 94.20-23
Proverbs 22.28-29
Romans 11.19-36

How to Comfort a Grieving Friend

Job 15 & 16:

Job’s Miserable Comforters

Eliphaz and Job’s other “comforters” were faced with a challenge with which most of us are faced at one time or another, how to comfort someone who is suffering or grieving. They started out well by just being there, but when they began speaking, they revealed an oversimplified view of suffering.

Each of them, in turn, told Job he must have sinned to deserve what he was going through. While Job never claimed to be sinless, he resented their assumptions and ended up calling them “miserable comforters” (Job 16.2)!

How can we come alongside those in our lives who are dealing with suffering, loss, and grief without becoming miserable comforters?

How can we help those experiencing suffering, loss, and grief? #grief #soulsurvival

Click To Tweet

Faithful Comforters

Even though most of us feel inadequate, with God’s help, we can be wise and faithful comforters. Here are a few suggestions about what and what not to say and do.

What Not to Say (at Least Not Right Away):

He/she is better off.
You’re strong. You’ll get through this.
God never makes mistakes. It must have been His will.
I know how you feel.
Let me know if I can do anything.
You’re young you can have other children.
All things work together for good.

Not Helpful:

Pressing for too many details.
People who talk too much or stay too long.
Too much noise and confusion.
People who expect the griever to treat them like a guest.
People who make decisions for the griever without asking him or her.

What to Say:

We love you and we’re praying for you.
We will miss (name). He/she meant a lot to us.
We appreciated (name). Then share a few kind words.
My sincere sympathy or I’m so sorry for your loss.
If you’re not sure what to say, say nothing. A hug, a firm handshake, and your presence are often enough.

What is Helpful:

Help with everyday needs. Prepare a meal. Do laundry. Care for children or take them to school. Get the car serviced.
Be a good listener.
Just be available.
Be sensitive to the griever’s need for peace and quiet.
Don’t be afraid to cry with them.
If necessary, help with financial needs.

As Time Goes On:

Grief is exhausting. Encourage your friend to prioritize.
Generally, encourage the griever to resist making major decisions for the first year.
Grievers experience a roller coaster of emotions. Comfort and encourage him or her that this is normal.
But if extremes of self-pity, excessive expressions of emotions, or a complete lack of emotions persist, help them to resist those extremes and find comfort in God and His Word. Encourage them to get focused on helping others who are in difficult circumstances to help them regain perspective.
Strong emotions like anger are normal in the beginning, but if anger, bitterness, and unforgiveness persist, you may need to help them understand that these are sins that must be confessed and repented of. Continuing to hold on to these sinful emotions will rob grievers of their peace.
If why questions persist, help your friend understand that there may not be a satisfactory answer. Help him or her understand that God is sovereign and help them learn to trust Him explicitly.
Acceptance is vitally important. Without it, your friend will not have peace. Share truths about the goodness and sovereignty of God. And help them understand that acceptance is not a betrayal of the love they had for their loved one.
Mentor and disciple where needed. Help your friend establish or grow in their personal relationship with God, help them choose a simple Bible reading plan, learn to take his or her cares to God in prayer, and get established in a good church.
Encourage your friend to be faithful in church attendance and involvement. Often helping and serving others is an important part of long-term healing.
He or she may need to learn new life skills, practical, as well as spiritual. But this can be a time of tremendous spiritual growth. Continue to pray for your friend. Building a new life takes time.
If your friend’s mental or spiritual health is at risk, you can contact a biblical counselor at the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors website.

With God’s Help

We won’t do this perfectly and we need God’s wisdom and help to do it well. But we can trust that He’ll give us all that we need to comfort others with the comfort we have received.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, ⁴who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God (2 Cor. 1.3-4).

What kind of comforter are you? #soulsurvival

Click To Tweet

How to Comfort a Grieving Friend #grief #soulsurvival

Click To Tweet

*Some of this information came from a brochure by Wally Stephenson, “Helping a Friend Who Is Grieving.”

Today’s Other Readings:

Psalm 94.20-23:

The End of the Wicked

This psalm reiterates the truth that Job and his comforters did understand—that ultimately God will destroy the wicked and exalt the righteous. Even though, as in Job’s case, there are times when for no reason immediately apparent to us, the righteous suffer, as well.

Proverbs 22.28-29:

Truly Competent Workers

Do you see any truly competent workers? They will serve kings rather than working for ordinary people (v. 29 NLT).

Anyone who has ever had to hire or train others knows how hard it is to find people who want to become competent at their work. Sadly, many people want a paycheck, but not necessarily a job. So when someone has a good work ethic, he will often rise to the top. But we always need to remember that no matter when, or even if, God promotes us, as with everything else, ultimately we are to do a good job out of our desire to please the One who sees it all!

Truly competent workers? They will serve kings rather than ordinary people! #soulsurvival #work

Click To Tweet

Romans 11.19-36:

By Grace Alone

In these verses, Paul reminds the first-century believers, and us, not to think we are saved because of some goodness in us, but because of God’s grace alone!

Lord, I pray that You will help us to be good stewards of our trials, to seek to please You in all things, and to remind ourselves daily of the amazing grace through which we were saved! And help us to be sensitive to the needs of those around us who have lost loved ones. Help us to be faithful to use those opportunities to share Your comfort and the gospel. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

Coming Up:

In the coming days, as we go through the books of Job and Romans and continue our yearlong journey through Psalms and Proverbs, we’ll talk about our impossible calling as believers, how true worship = obedience, how to know whether to admonish a sinning brother or sister and whether spanking is an outdated part of parenting.

I hope you’ll sign up so you don’t miss any of them. You might also like to check out our YouTube channel.

If this post spoke to you, I would love it if you would share it on your favorite social media platform.

And if you don’t already have a copy, you might want to purchase a copy of my eBook, 10 Benefits of Keeping a Spiritual Journal. It’s available on Kindle or in paperback (the paperback has 31 days of blank journaling pages with prompts to help you get started).

Blessings as you grow in Christ,
Donna ♥

Note about this post:

I began blogging through the Bible in 2012 and have done so every year since then. These posts are the product of many edits and additions throughout those years. Some days I make major changes, other days fewer.

A while ago, I read Jen Wilkin’s book None Like Him about the attributes of God. One is His incomprehensibility. In it, she says, “God is incomprehensible. This does not mean that he is unknowable, but that he is unable to be fully known.”

I have found that to be true each year as I’ve gone back through the Bible. Sometimes I find myself feeling as if a passage just appeared there for the first time. I’m reminded that no matter how many times we read through the Bible, we have only scratched the surface. I hope you feel the same.

Indeed these are the mere edges of His ways,
And how small a whisper we hear of Him!
But the thunder of His power who can understand?” (Job 26.14)