God’s wisdom can help us avoid many problems, but ignoring it can lead to all kinds of trouble and heartache in every area of life. When it comes to the decision of whether or not to marry someone, God’s Word provides an abundance of wisdom and caution that can save us from years of heartache. We ignore those premarital red flags at our own peril. Even if you are already married, these are important truths to understand when you have opportunities to minister to others, including your children, regarding their dating relationships.

Also, read about one secret to contentment, why our criminal justice system often doesn’t deter crime, some important questions to consider before exercising our “freedoms” in Christ, and what it really means to “eat, drink, and be merry.”

Note: This is a longer post than usual because of the list of red flags. If you’re not interested in that list, you can skip it and read the other sections.

Today’s Readings:

Ecclesiastes 8-10
Psalm 103.6-14
Proverbs 24.10-12
1 Corinthians 10.19-33

Premarital Red Flags & A Deal Breaker

Ecclesiastes 8-10:

Delayed Justice

Before we talk about premarital red flags, let’s look at a couple of other passages from Ecclesiastes starting with one that our judges and lawmakers should read.

Because the sentence against an evil work is not executed speedily, therefore the heart of the sons of men is fully set in them to do evil (8.11).

Should we be surprised that our criminal justice system doesn’t work and that crime is rampant in many areas of our nation?

It’s not that we shouldn’t take the time to allow for a thorough investigation and give an accused person a chance to defend him or herself, but when cases drag on for years and sentences are not carried out in a reasonable amount of time, punishment is much less of a deterrent.

Next, let’s look at another verse, this one is often quoted out of context.

Eat, Drink & Be Merry

So I commended enjoyment, because a man has nothing better under the sun than to eat, drink, and be merry; for this will remain with him in his labor all the days of his life which God gives him under the sun (8.15).

This is not about living a party lifestyle, doing whatever we please, but about enjoying life’s simple pleasures within the framework of God’s will.

But the sad fact is that just like Adam and Eve, we constantly feel we must go outside the guidelines God has given us to find the pleasure and fun we think we “deserve.” Even though, true joy is found in obeying God. Solomon said:

Live joyfully with the wife whom you love all the days of your vain life which He has given you under the sun, all your days of vanity; for that is your portion in life, and in the labor which you perform under the sun (9.9).

When we’re married, God gives us all the benefits of marriage to enjoy. Yet, we will settle for some other person who we think “understands us” or builds up our ego. We will destroy our families, our testimony, and our relationship with God to have what we think we want and realize too late it doesn’t deliver.

The Value of Wisdom

¹³ This wisdom I have also seen under the sun, and it seemed great to me: ¹⁴ There was a little city with few men in it; and a great king came against it, besieged it, and built great snares around it. ¹⁵ Now there was found in it a poor wise man, and he by his wisdom delivered the city. Yet no one remembered that same poor man.

¹⁶ Then I said:

“Wisdom is better than strength.
Nevertheless the poor man’s wisdom is despised,
And his words are not heard” (9.13-16).

Solomon reminds us that “Wisdom is better than strength,” though he admits it may not always be appreciated in this life.

Even God’s principles, the greatest wisdom, are often rejected as too hard, too inconvenient, or too restrictive. But when the consequences of living life their own way set in, people come looking for help just as the men of that small city did.

One area where I see many people ignore God’s wisdom is in the area of dating and marriage. Only after they’re married and struggling do they look around for help.

Preparing to Make a Wise Choice

My husband and I have taken many couples through a premarital study. When there are red flags concerning marriage, we counsel them to put off marriage until those issues can be resolved.

I have also met with women one-on-one who are considering marriage. Sometimes I have to warn them that marriage to that person would be unwise, even sinful if the other person is an unbeliever. I have been known to say, “Don’t walk away … run!”

My husband has counseled many men that marriage would be unwise, as well, and tried to warn them about the issues he sees.

Sadly, often the “strength” of their emotions and desires rule the day. Almost as often, they come back like the people in Ecclesiastes 9.15, sometimes only months later, looking for help to deal with serious issues.

Different Counsel

Too often, the guy who was willing to go to church with his fiancee, no longer will once they’re married. In fact, he may resent the fact that she wants to go. Wives sometimes go to church alone for years unable to share the most important part of life with the person closest to them.

Or the woman who insisted on having her way about everything before they were married has no intention of submitting after they are married.

Sometimes there are serious issues concerning the other one’s children from a previous marriage or relationship. Sometimes there are patterns of abuse or drinking or problems with work ethics. Many of those things can be worked on, but too often there is no desire to do so on the part of the other person.

At that point, our counsel must be completely different. Before marriage, they had a choice about whether or not to marry the other person. Now, God’s Word says they must stay and do their part to make the marriage work (1 Pet. 3.1; 1 Cor. 7.12-13).

So if you’re single, what are some of the “red flags” to look for? While they are listed as premarital red flags, they should be just as concerning in a dating relationship.

21 Premarital Red Flags:

The following list is taken from Preparing for Marriage published by Family Life Ministries:

• You have a general uneasy feeling that something is wrong in your relationship.
• You find yourself arguing often with your fiancé(e).
• Your fiancé(e) seems irrationally angry and jealous whenever you interact with someone of the opposite sex.
• You avoid discussing certain subjects because you’re afraid of your fiancé(e)’s reaction.
• Your fiancé(e) finds it extremely difficult to express emotions or is prone to extreme emotions (such as out-of-control anger or exaggerated fear). Or he/she swings back and forth between emotional extremes (such as being very happy one minute, then suddenly exhibiting extreme sadness the next).
• Your fiancé(e) displays controlling behavior, especially if he or she seems to want to control every aspect of your life: your appearance, your lifestyle, your interactions with friends or family, and so on.
• Your fiancé(e) seems to manipulate you into doing what he or she wants. You are continuing the relationship because of fear—of hurting your fiancé(e), or of what he or she might do if you ended the relationship.
• Your fiancé(e) does not treat you with respect. He or she constantly criticizes you or talks sarcastically to you, even in public.
• Your fiancé(e) exhibits patterns of physical, emotional or sexual abuse toward you or others.
• Your fiancé(e) has trouble controlling anger. He or she uses anger as a weapon or as a means of winning arguments.

More Premarital Red Flags

• Your fiancé(e) is unable to hold down a job, doesn’t take personal responsibility for losing a job, or frequently borrows money from you or from friends.
• Your fiancé(e) often talks about aches and pains, and you suspect some of these are imagined. He or she goes from doctor to doctor until he or she finds someone who will agree that there is some type of illness.
• Your fiancé(e) is unable to resolve conflict. He or she cannot deal with constructive criticism, never admits a mistake, or never asks for forgiveness.
• Your fiancé(e) is overly dependent on his or her parents for finances, decision-making, or emotional security.
• Your fiancé(e) is consistently dishonest and tries to keep you from learning about certain aspects of his or her life.
• Your fiancé(e) does not appear to recognize right from wrong and rationalizes questionable behavior.
• Your fiancé(e) consistently avoids responsibility.
• Your fiancé(e) displays signs of drug or alcohol abuse: unexplained absences or missed dates, frequent car accidents, the smell of alcohol or a strong odor of mouthwash, erratic behavior or emotional swings, physical signs such as red eyes, unkempt look, unexplained nervousness, and so on.
• Your fiancé(e) has displayed a sudden, dramatic change in lifestyle after you began dating. (He or she may be changing just to win you and will revert back to old habits after marriage.)
• You have a difficult time trusting your fiancé(e)—to fulfill responsibilities, to be truthful, to help in times of need, to make ethical decisions, and so on.
• Your fiancé(e) has a history of multiple serious relationships that have failed—a pattern of knowing how to begin a relationship but not knowing how to keep one growing.

And I would like to add another issue … more than a red flag, for a follower of Christ, it should be a deal breaker.

A Premarital Deal Breaker

A few days ago when we covered 1 Corinthians 7, I mentioned this principle (see “The Bible on Marriage & Divorce”). But I’d like to take another look at it today.

A wife is bound to her husband as long as he lives. If her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but only if he loves the Lord (1 Cor. 7.39 NLT).

“She is free to marry anyone she wishes, but only if he loves the Lord.” And lest we think Paul was only talking to widows, in the previous chapter of 1 Corinthians, he said:

Don’t team up with those who are unbelievers. How can righteousness be a partner with wickedness? How can light live with darkness? What harmony can there be between Christ and the devil? How can a believer be a partner with an unbeliever (1 Cor. 6.14-15 NLT)?

There is no gray area here. Believers are forbidden to knowingly marry an unbeliever. I have heard all the arguments and excuses: How will he get saved if I break up with him? He’s OK with my faith. She says I can go to my church and she’ll go to hers. He says he believes in God.

But marrying an unbeliever is contrary to God’s clear commands and is therefore sinful.

You Will Know a Tree by Its Fruit

There are, also, situations where the other person has made a profession of faith, yet there is little or no fruit.

Jesus said you will know a tree by its fruit (Matt. 12.33). And in Matthew 7 He said:

²¹ Not everyone who says to Me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father who is in heaven will enter. ²² Many will say to Me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in Your name, and in Your name cast out demons, and in Your name perform many miracles?’ ²³ And then I will declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from Me, you who practice lawlessness’ (NASB).

Just because someone goes to church or claims to believe in God does not mean that he or she is a genuine believer. Ask yourself these questions:

• Does my fiance(e) truly understand the gospel?
• Does my fiance(e) have a genuine love for the Lord demonstrated by his or her desire to please God in every area of life?
• Does my fiance(e) have a desire to read the Bible, attend Bible studies, and grow in his or her understanding of God’s Word?
• Does my fiance(e) seek God’s wisdom through prayer and wise counsel?
• Does my fiance(e) desire to build his or her life and marriage on the principles found in the Bible?
• Does my fiance(e) demonstrate genuine humility and repentance when he or she sins in some way?
• Does my fiance(e) seek forgiveness from God and others?
• Does my fiance(e) seek to fulfill the second great commandment by demonstrating biblical love for others?

Of course, these things should be true of you, too.

If You See Premarital Red Flags or Are Not Sure

If you are dating or engaged and recognize any of these relational or premarital red flags, if you are dating or engaged to an unbeliever, or if you answered “no” to any of the questions above, I urge you to meet with your pastor, a mature Christian, or a good biblical counselor. You can find one here.

If you recognize any of these and you are sexually involved, I urge you to break off your sexual relationship, immediately. Sexual intimacy will cloud your vision and make it very difficult to make a wise decision.

Other things that can make it hard to make a wise choice are loneliness, idealistic thinking, spiritual immaturity, or because wedding plans are already underway. Believe me, the pushback that might result from any of these is minor in comparison to 20, 30, or 40 years spent in a difficult marriage.

The Value of Wisdom

As I said in the introduction, wisdom can help us avoid many heartaches and troubles in life and shorten their duration when we can’t avoid them. This is true, not only in this area but in others, as well. Seeking and following wise advice in our finances, for example, can lead to peace and greater enjoyment of God’s blessings. Allowing margins in our budgets prevents added stress when there is a major repair or emergency.

But wisdom must be sought after and listened to. Yet, as Solomon understood, it is often unappreciated and ignored.

Is there some area of life where you have learned, perhaps the hard way, to make wiser decisions? Or is there some area where you have been ignoring wise counsel or red flags and need to reconsider some decision?

Today’s Other Readings:

Psalm 103.6-14:

Not What We Deserve

The LORD is merciful and gracious, Slow to anger, and abounding in mercy. He will not always strive with us, Nor will He keep His anger forever. He has not dealt with us according to our sins, Nor punished us according to our iniquities (vss. 8-10).

Praise God for His mercy. Those of us who have accepted His offer of salvation, don’t get what we deserve, we get His grace!

Proverbs 24.10-12:

Those Who Are Drawn Toward Death

11 Deliver those who are drawn toward death,  And hold back those stumbling to the slaughter. 12 If you say, “Surely we did not know this,” Does not He who weighs the hearts consider it? He who keeps your soul, does He not know it? And will He not render to each man according to his deeds? (vv. 11-12).

We cannot pretend ignorance about the world around us, especially about those who are destroying their own lives and those of their born and unborn children. May God give us the strength and the boldness to speak truth to those He puts in our paths.

Corinthians 10.19-33:

Questions to Consider

23 All things are lawful for me, but not all things are helpful; all things are lawful for me, but not all things edify. 24 Let no one seek his own, but each one the other’s well-being.

31 Therefore, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.

Some important questions to consider before we exercise our “freedoms”:

• Is what I am doing “helpful” to me in my walk with God?
• Will it edify me?
• Will it edify others?
• Does it bring glory to God, that is, will it cause others to have a right opinion of Him?

Coming Up:

In the coming days, we will talk about the importance of examining our own lives, holiness and what it is, biblical love, and how God intended sex within marriage to be “red hot.”

I hope you’ll sign up so you don’t miss any of them. You might also like to check out our YouTube channel.

If this post spoke to you, I would love it if you would share it on your favorite social media platform.

And if you don’t already have a copy, you might want to purchase a copy of my eBook, 10 Benefits of Keeping a Spiritual Journal. It’s available on Kindle or in paperback (the paperback has 31 days of blank journaling pages with prompts to help you get started).

Blessings as you grow in Christ,
Donna ♥

Note about this post:

I began blogging through the Bible in 2012 and have done so every year since then. These posts are the product of many edits and additions throughout those years. Some days I make major changes, other days fewer. 

A while ago, I read Jen Wilkin’s book None Like Him about the attributes of God. One is His incomprehensibility. In it, she says, “God is incomprehensible. This does not mean that he is unknowable, but that he is unable to be fully known.”

I have found that to be true each year as I’ve gone back through the Bible. Sometimes I find myself feeling as if a passage just appeared there for the first time. I’m reminded that no matter how many times we read through the Bible, we have only scratched the surface. I hope you feel the same.

Indeed these are the mere edges of His ways,
And how small a whisper we hear of Him!
But the thunder of His power who can understand?” (Job 26.14)

I sometimes LINKUP with these blogs.