Perhaps you or someone you know is married to an unbeliever. While it can be challenging, the Bible can help you live in that situation. That’s our subject for today.
We’re wrapping up a series on God’s design for marriage. If you haven’t read the previous posts in this series, there are links at the bottom.
Living with an Unbeliever
Marry in the Lord
First, let me say that if you’re single and contemplating marriage, you are only free to marry “in the Lord.”
A wife is bound by law as long as her husband lives; but if her husband dies, she is at liberty to be married to whom she wishes, only in the Lord (1 Cor. 7.39).
That phrase “in the Lord” means “in Christ” or “in the common faith.” While Paul is speaking, specifically, to women in this verse, the principle applies to men and women who are single, biblically divorced, or widowed and is addressed in 2 Corinthians, as well.
14 Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness? 15 And what accord has Christ with Belial? Or what part has a believer with an unbeliever? 16 And what agreement has the temple of God with idols? For you are the temple of the living God (2 Cor. 6.14-16).
This is not a suggestion. It’s not Old Testament. It’s a command. Unfortunately, some people come to the Lord with the idea that His Word is just a nicer way to live, perhaps the ideal, but we’re still free to do it or not. That has never been the case.
We women are, particularly, prone to try to justify dating and marrying an unbeliever:
“Well, he comes to church with me.”
“I think he’s close to getting saved.”
“How will he come to know the Lord if I break up with him?”
“He believes in God.”
“He’s OK with me going to church.”
“It’s not a problem for us.”
“He’s a Christian, but he doesn’t believe in going to church.”
Need I go on?
Marrying an Unbeliever
I’ve counseled many women who were dating or engaged to an unbeliever. I have explained God’s clear commands and warned them of the natural consequences of choosing to disobey God (Gal. 6.7-8). Sadly, few listen once they are emotionally attached, especially, if they have further disobeyed God by becoming sexually involved.
Many have come back later and said, “I should have listened.” Because …
The boyfriend who was willing to go to church to get the girl he wanted was no longer interested now that he had her. In fact, he may be irritated that she wants to be in church every Sunday.
Ten, fifteen, or twenty years later, that guy who was “close to becoming a Christian,” is still an unbeliever. And the years have been filled with disagreements over everything from parenting to how to spend their time and money to filing tax returns.
Can two walk together, unless they are agreed? (Amos 3.3).
The woman who thought her boyfriend was a Christian, in spite of dozens of red flags (often because she wanted to believe it), has realized too late that she is married to someone who cares nothing about the things of God and has become increasingly hostile to her attempts to talk to him about it.
And while they had the freedom to break off the relationship before they were married and should have, once they entered into the covenant of marriage, God’s commands are completely different.
1 Corinthians 7:
12 But to the rest I, not the Lord, say: If any brother has a wife who does not believe, and she is willing to live with him, let him not divorce her. 13 And a woman who has a husband who does not believe, if he is willing to live with her, let her not divorce him. 14 For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband; otherwise your children would be unclean, but now they are holy.
16 For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife?
Coming to Know the Lord After
Of course, many people are married to unbelievers, not because they disobeyed God, but because they came to know Him after they were married. This was common in the early church and with the people to whom Paul originally wrote this passage.
No matter how we have come to be married to an unbeliever, if we turn to Him and seek to live His way, God will be faithful to give us the grace we need.
Living for God’s Glory
Let’s look at that 1 Corinthians 7 passage again.
“But to the rest I, not the Lord, say …” This doesn’t mean Paul didn’t have authority from God to say these things (2 Tim. 3.16-17). Rather, this was something Jesus had not already addressed, so Paul was expanding on Christ’s teaching on marriage and divorce (Matt. 19.3-9).
Verses 12 and 13 make it plain that the believing spouse is not free to divorce his or her unbelieving spouse, as long as that spouse is willing to stay married. Instead, they’re to be salt and light in their home. They’re to love their unbelieving spouse with Christ’s love. They’re to stay in the marriage for the sake of the children and spouse and for God’s glory.
“For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband; otherwise your children would be unclean, but now they are holy.” This, clearly, doesn’t mean the unbeliever is saved because he or she is married to a believer, any more than children are saved because they have believing parents. But just as children in a Christian home will be exposed to the gospel and the godly love of their parents, so will the unbelieving mate.
And God will often bless that home, including their finances and other things, because of the believer, just as He blessed Potiphar’s household because of Joseph.
So it was, from the time that he had made him overseer of his house and all that he had, that the Lord blessed the Egyptian’s house for Joseph’s sake; and the blessing of the Lord was on all that he had in the house and in the field (Gen. 39.5).
There are times, however, when the unbeliever isn’t willing to live with his or her spouse. He or she may become involved with someone else or want a divorce for some other reason. In those cases, the believing spouse is no longer under bondage to stay married. If divorce is the result, he or she is free to remarry.
Living Together Well
So how do we live together well with an unbelieving spouse?
1 Peter 3 gives us a blueprint.
¹ Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, 2 when they see your respectful and pure conduct. 3 Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— 4 but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious. 5 For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, 6 as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening (ESV).
Notice the word “likewise” in verse 1. Peter is referring back to chapter 2 where he said, “Servants, be submissive to your masters with all fear, not only to the good and gentle, but also to the harsh” (1 Pet. 2.18) We’re to obey God in these areas, not only with those who are easy to live with, but those who are “harsh.” Another translation says, “unreasonable.”
1 Peter 3.1 says wives should be submissive to their unbelieving husbands, so that they may be won over, not by their constant preaching or leaving tracts in not-so-subtle places or playing Christian music whenever they’re around, but by their respectful, Christlike behavior. The quality of their lives should reflect the difference Christ has made.
Much damage is done when wives constantly preach to their husbands and yet, make no attempt to change their own behavior.
Likewise Husbands
1 Peter 3 goes on:
7 Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered (ESV).
Believing husbands should seek to understand their wives, to understand what they like and what concerns them. They should treat them as a “weaker vessel.” Weaker in the sense that a delicate vase is weaker than a stoneware pot. They should treat them as something valuable and precious. Just as with believing wives, they must let the love of Christ shine through. Peter went on:
8 Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind. 9 Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing.
And in chapter 2 he said:
20 For what credit is it if, when you sin and are beaten for it, you endure? But if when you do good and suffer for it you endure, this is a gracious thing in the sight of God. 21 For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps. 22 He committed no sin, neither was deceit found in his mouth. 23 When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly. (1 Pet. 2.20-23).
So, Christ is our example when living with an unbelieving spouse. Whether or not things change, whether or not we are treated well, whether or not our spouse comes to Christ on our timetable, we are to commit ourselves to God who will work all things out in His time. In the meantime, we are His ambassadors in our homes and He will give us the grace we need to fulfill our callings.
Blessings as you grow in Christ,
Donna ♥
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Previous Posts:
Marriage Made in Heaven? Part 2 “My Story”
Marriage Made in Heaven? Part 3 “Leaving, Cleaving & Weaving”
Marriage Made in Heaven? Part 4 “Cleaving”
Marriage Made in Heaven? Part 5 “Weaving”
Marriage Made in Heaven? Part 6 “Weaving 101”
Marriage Made in Heaven? Part 7 “The Wife’s Role”
Marriage Made in Heaven? Part 8 “Submission, the S-Word”
Marriage Made in Heaven? Part 9 “Decision Making & 4-Way Stops”
Marriage Made in Heaven? Part 10 “Resolving Conflict”
Marriage Made in Heaven? Part 11 “RESPECT”
Marriage Made in Heaven? Part 12 “Loving Leadership”
Marriage Made in Heaven? Part 13 “Healthy Communication”
Marriage Made in Heaven? Part 14 “Parenting as a Team”
I sometimes LINKUP with these blogs.
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