In this series entitled “Marriage Made in Heaven,” we’re looking at marriage from God’s perspective and seeking to answer these and other questions:

What does it mean to have a one-flesh relationship?

What is the purpose of marriage? Is it about our immediate happiness or is it about something deeper and richer?

What about the husband’s and wife’s roles? Do they change with the times?

When is it permissible to end a marriage that doesn’t seem to be made in heaven?

In short, how can we have the kind of marriages that God designed for us to have, marriages that glorify Him and brings peace and joy to the married couple?

In the introduction, we went back to the book of Genesis to see how God was the One who created marriage. Then we looked at what went wrong and how it affected not only our relationships with God but with one another in marriage.

Today I’d like to share some of “our story” and how my husband’s and my story is really God’s story of redemption and grace.

Our Story | Marriage Made in Heaven

My story starts in Maine, actually Dover, New Hampshire, because the small town where my parents lived didn’t have a hospital of its own.

My grandparents were hard-working, “salt of the earth” people. My maternal grandparents were good, moral people, but not “church-goers” as they might have put it.

My paternal grandfather died of cancer when I was a year old. My grandmother was raised in a Christian home but didn’t always reflect Christ-likeness to others in the family. I say that only because it had a profound effect on my mother’s view of Christianity.

But I’m profoundly grateful that when my grandmother visited us once or twice a year, she took me with her to church. Seeds were planted. In fact, I remember praying a prayer to accept Jesus when I was about 12 years old.

While I do believe that God was working and drawing me to Himself at that time, I’m not sure that it was a genuine conversion. Only He knows, but I do know that He has had His hand on me.

My Parents’ Marriage

Mom married my dad, who was five years older, just three days out of high school. Their marriage was tumultuous from the beginning. I asked her about it once and whether or not she saw “red flags” before they were married. She said, “It’s just what you did. You graduated, then you got married.”

But my mother was a good mother in many ways. She was very devoted to her three children. I think she resigned herself to making us her life early on. She never worked outside the home while we were growing up. Somewhere along the line, she decided that she’d stick it out “for the kids,” at least until we were all grown. But when my youngest brother graduated from high school, she left.

My parents’ marriage was characterized by drinking and partying, especially on my dad’s part, and arguments from which my mother tried to protect us.

My dad, in spite of it all, loved his kids. I don’t remember ever seeing him angry or mean, even when he was drinking. But, addictions are inherently selfish in nature and his cost our family in many ways.

Even so, I don’t remember ever feeling I had a bad childhood. I do remember wanting something different for my life. But sadly, I had no real idea what that should look like.

Married at 17

Consequently, I married the first time at seventeen. Neither of us had any clue about God’s design for marriage. Problems started to surface almost from the beginning so, like my mom, I focused on my children. But unlike her, I decided I would leave as soon as I could support myself. The marriage lasted less than seven years.

The next few years were a struggle: to make ends meet, to have any energy left for my two kids, and to see where my life was going.

I, eventually, got involved with an older man, in part, because I was just tired. This time, there were “red flags” all over the place, but I rationalized them all away. I left again after seven years of his drinking and infidelity. But he was a person who didn’t “lose.” It took me almost three years to get a divorce. Years that included his stalking me, drunken break-ins, threats to burn the house down with the kids and me in it, and on one occasion, kidnapping our young son.

Being Good

Being good was important to me. I remember asking my mom once how a person went to heaven. She was somewhat antagonistic about religion and told me you just needed to be a “good person.”

That had quite an impact on me and since I didn’t want to create more problems, I became a “people-pleaser.” I did well in school, didn’t drink, use drugs, or party in high school, and wasn’t rebellious. Being a “good girl” became my identity.

As an adult, in my mind, I was still a “good person.” I didn’t run around, worked hard, and wasn’t contentious. At least in my mind, I thought I was trying to be a good wife. Even when I left each of my marriages, I felt justified. But finally, I decided that “being good” wasn’t working and I might as well live like everyone else.

The next few months were not pretty, but God was working. You see I came to realize that since I had always seen myself as a “good girl,” God needed me to see that while I might have been more compliant on the outside, I was anything but good. I was “good” at figuring out what seemed right to me, solving problems the way I saw fit, and relying on myself.

He needed me to see that I was a sinner in desperate need of a Savior. While I was at my lowest and my worst, He brought my future husband into my life.

Mike’s Story

Mike’s story was strangely parallel to mine. He had married shortly after high school. Divorced after a few years, and remarried shortly after that. His second marriage lasted about six years and he was in the process of a divorce when we met. He made it plain that he was not interested in getting married again and that was fine with me.

Instead, we started our relationship like so many others, doing what seemed right to us. Before long we were living together and trying to blend our two families, including my three children and his daughter.

But his story would not be complete without telling you a bit about his parents and grandparents. They, too, were “salt of the earth” people, hard-working and honest. His dad thought a lot like my mom, that you just need to be a good person and that was all that mattered. He did make a profession of faith shortly before his death, but he once told Mike that he just didn’t see the need for God or religion.

Mike’s mom, on the other hand, was a little like my grandmother and all of us, imperfect, but a devoted Christian and a prayer warrior … and she was praying for her son. I would soon be the beneficiary of those prayers, as well.

But God …

A few months later, Mike went home to visit his parents and while he was there, he went to church with his mom, mostly, to keep her happy. But when he came back and shared with me, something started stirring in me. I thought about going to church with my grandmother and how I felt when I did. So with a little “fear and trembling,” I asked if he would ever consider going to church. As we talked, we realized that what we had been doing hadn’t exactly worked, so we decided to “try church.”

With that unlikely beginning, the next Sunday morning, we were sitting in church with our kids in tow. A few weeks later, we both committed our lives to Christ.

I’d like to say, it was smooth sailing from then on, but we had a lot of growing to do. We had four kids from three of our four marriages. Two of them (my oldest two) were now young teenagers and not exactly excited about the changes we were making. And while my ex-husbands were out of the picture, Mike’s young daughter was being pulled back and forth by loyalty issues, anger, resentment, and jealousy over the new children in her father’s life.

But God was at work.

41 Years Later

That was 41 years ago. We’ve had plenty of ups and downs, in our marriage and in our family. We’ve had to live with the knowledge that our divorces and other bad decisions have impacted our children in far too many ways.

But as we’ve grown and come to understand God and His sovereignty, we know that it’s part of what He desires to use in their lives to get hold of their hearts and to conform them to the image of Christ.

Have we arrived? Have our children? No … far from it, but 41 years of following God have taught us to stay faithful, to continue praying, to speak the truth in love, and mostly … to trust Him.

And I can tell you that we are more in love than we ever were at the beginning. God has taken our two broken lives and done what only He can do.

Full-Time Ministry

After years in the business world, God allowed us to go into full-time ministry. My husband served as Pastor of Counseling and Discipleship for many years at the church we attended. I am certified as a biblical counselor and worked full-time in that area of ministry. Together we ran a biblical counseling center.

We have both retired from full-time ministry but not from Christian service. We still counsel and teach and have a marriage ministry where we lead marriage conferences and retreats called Joyful Marriage Ministries. You can sign up here to receive information about upcoming events.

Much of the counseling we do is marriage counseling. Someone might think that’s strange, maybe even wrong, that a couple with four broken marriages between us would be counseling others … but I believe that’s God.

Only He could use a former murderer like the Apostle Paul to spread the gospel as the greatest missionary and church builder. Only He could bring about His purposes in our lives and only He can do the same in yours.

We often share our testimony in the course of marriage counseling. We tell couples who want to give up on their marriages that living life our way led to disaster and that living life God’s way is the reason we’ve been married 40 years and why we have the kind of marriage we do.

Consequences of Divorce

And to those who say … “Well, getting a divorce worked out OK for you,” We say, “Yes, and if you’re willing to go through the heartache we did to get here, to see your kids struggle the way ours have, to suffer the financial devastation divorce causes, and to live with all the other consequences, it might work out OK for you, too.”

You see we all make choices. Even as believers, we can choose to live life our own way and do what seems right to us. But choices have consequences and, even when we repent and seek His forgiveness, He doesn’t always remove all the consequences. Instead, He uses them to help us see the need to go His way and to conform us to the image of Christ.

In fact, Galatians 6 says:

⁷ Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap. ⁸ For he who sows to his flesh will of the flesh reap corruption, but he who sows to the Spirit will of the Spirit reap everlasting life. ⁹ And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart.

And Hebrews 12 says:

⁵ And you have forgotten the exhortation which speaks to you as to sons:

      “My son, do not despise the chastening of the Lord,
       Nor be discouraged when you are rebuked by Him;

⁶ For whom the Lord loves He chastens,
And scourges every son whom He receives.”

⁷ If you endure chastening, God deals with you as with sons; for what son is there whom a father does not chasten? ⁸ But if you are without chastening, of which all have become partakers, then you are illegitimate and not sons. 

Blending a Family, Bad Doctrine & More

When God intervened in our lives, He gave us the desire to make real changes. And we were never people to go into things halfway. We jumped in with both feet. But blending a family is not for the faint-hearted. It takes hard work and we had plenty of challenges. I’d like to say everything is wonderful in that area but we have had our ups and downs. And the children in a blended family (ours are all grown) have to make choices to trust in God and His sovereignty, too.

And while God used our first church mightily in our lives. If nothing else, we heard the gospel and chose to believe it. But it was not a doctrinally sound church. It was years before we understood God’s Word the way we do today.

But God has been faithful. He has given us the marriage I always dreamed of. Mike is a wonderful, godly husband and I hope I continue to grow and become the wife God wants me to be.

The good news for all of us is that God is faithful. We’re not special. Your life and testimony may look different from ours but when we trust and obey Him, He will do what only He can do.

Coming Up

In the next post, we dig into our study of marriage, God’s way. You’ll find a complete list of the posts in this series at the bottom.

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And you can signup here for information on upcoming marriage retreats and conferences.

Blessings as you grow in Christ,

Donna ♥

A Complete List of Posts in This Series:

“Marriage Made in Heaven” | Introduction

“Our Story” Marriage Made in Heaven Part 2

“Leaving, Cleaving & Weaving” Marriage Made in Heaven Part 3

“Cleaving” Marriage Made in Heaven? Part 4

“Weaving” Marriage Made in Heaven? Part 5

“Weaving 101” Marriage Made in Heaven? Part 6

“The Wife’s Role” Marriage Made in Heaven? Part 7

“Submission, the S-Word” Marriage Made in Heaven? Part 8

“Decision Making & 4-Way Stops” Marriage Made in Heaven? Part 9

“Resolving Conflict” Marriage Made in Heaven? Part 10

“RESPECT” Marriage Made in Heaven? Part 11

“Loving Leadership” Marriage Made in Heaven? Part 12

“Healthy Communication” Marriage Made in Heaven? Part 13

“Parenting as a Team” Marriage Made in Heaven? Part 14

“Living with an Unbeliever” Marriage Made in Heaven? Part 15

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